


Seungcheol's Memory Lane

by charizella



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Drama, M/M, Tags May Change, confusing haha, let jang doyoon live for goodness sake, lowkey chansolkwan, lowkey meanie - Freeform, lowkey nsfw but not completely nsfw, lowkey soonhoon, maybe angst tbh i dont know, mkay idk slow updates maybe, seungcheol isnt a fboi here lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-29 12:38:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10854177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charizella/pseuds/charizella
Summary: When Seungcheol forgets, who will he come to for questions about what previously happened?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> possibly im gonna be a slow updater so sorry in advance !!!

Everytime I open my eyes and I’m inside a white room,–a room wherein wherever I look, white chairs, white walls, white doors, everything is white–I feel like waking up as a different person.

September 21, 2013.

And here I am in the same situation. Here I am, sitting on the purest of white of a bed.  
A black journal sits on the edge of the nightstand. I grabbed it and pulled it open, scanning from the first page to the last one. Even the handwritings were different.  
Sometimes, I try to think about ending my life. But something still prevents me from doing so. I never know what those were, feelings, forces, but I do know, that whatever they are, they’re trying to help me.

August 30, 2009 - Journal Entry #4  
Just one day before my brother’s birthday! He’s turning 15! Just like me! But he’s never changed since I can remember. Oh well, I hope he stays the same until the end! He’s all the best friend and brother I could ask for (Other than our maknae, of course.) Let’s hope this day will end better than we can imagine!

December 30, 2010 - Journal Entry #27  
Today is a very special day! Other than only a day before New Year, it’s maknae’s 16th birthday! I’m really happy for our maknae, he’s growing to be a gentleman. We hope this new year there will be more good things in store for us! This will probably be the last entry for the year, see you again next year!

September 21, 2013 - Journal Entry #109  
This is probably one of the worst weeks of my life. Other than maknae having to fly to the United States in a few days for college, a few days after that accident last week, I’ve started to forget fragments of my memories. Maybe there was another unknown reason I’ve come to write this journal, isn’t it? Maybe unknowingly, just five years ago, I encountered a sign of the future.  
That’s it. Retrograde Amnesia. I would want to write more about it, but it’s too much. What I know is that I have amnesia, I didn’t want to understand what retrograde meant. I only thought amnesia was only a thing in soap operas, but I stand corrected.  
I also don’t want to keep this journal anymore. It will just make me feel miserable. I wouldn’t remember the past anyway, so why do I bother to try? I don’t want to wake up every few weeks to realize I’m a different person once again. It’s miserable.  
Ending what I have started and prospered for 4 years. It’s time for a goodbye.

I put down my pen and closed my eyes, tightly. This journal has been a witness to what my life has been in four years, it’s kind of a bummer to let it go. But there is that saying “Sometimes, letting go is better than holding on.” And that is my motto.  
Though I really don’t know where this should go. Garbage bin? Pit of fire? My closet? Either of the three, I would eventually forget about it, anyway.  
But I do know.. Now.

♡♡♡

March 26, 2017  
Here I am, living a fairly average life. I still have a stable job of being an assistant to my boss, and I don’t lose as much memory as I used to.  
My co-workers are pretty annoying, if I’d be really honest. But they’re nice.  
Nice enough to send me to different double dates in the past one year. Tonight’s the 16th one. And I don’t like to assume, but I’m pretty sure this won’t turn out great, possibly even worse than the past ones. Because I’m going out with my best friend’s ex, and it’s fine for him.  
Did I not mention it’s the first time I’m doing this with a guy? Well, it’s not really a big deal to me. The big deal, is that, I’m having one night with my best friend’s asshole of an ex. Stupid move, isn’t it?

I didn’t prepare much, I feel like I’ve mastered one night stands and blind dates, considering this is the 16th time I’ve been in one. I’m such a loser.  
And speaking of the devil, here he is now.

“Hey, Seungcheol.” He says casually, like he’s not bothered or anything. What a great actor.  
“You can lie to them and tell them that we had sex tonight,” I said, still not opening the door.  
“You don’t expect us having deals without meeting face to face, do you?”  
“I don’t want to see your shitty face, Hong.”

But I don’t know what got into me, and I ended up spending my supposed-to-be productive hours of the evening with a bastard. And might I say, he was good, a good follower, a good listener. He might’ve seemed like an angel.

“Seungcheol-ah, let’s be serious for a moment, hmm?” He rolled himself with my blanket and looked at me. His stare felt kind of intimidating, considering he seemed really serious about what he was talking about.  
“Do you think all of the memories your friends told you are precise?”


	2. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol meets Jeonghan for the first time, but it's not the same way for Jeonghan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant help but include a slight jeongcheol over here hoho, also this is still going to be a light chapter for a first one, hihi enjoy reading

"It's not working out, I'm just wasting my time," The guy slammed the door shut, leaving Seungcheol hanging, he sighs as he picks up the remaining bits of paper from what used to be a paper with the guy's number written on it.  
Seungcheol always knew, from first sight, that he wouldn't work out with him. He blamed the Tarot card reader ahjumma for making him believe that 16 was his lucky number.  
But be tried working with the bastard, they had great sex for the first time, but then again, assholes are assholes, and forever will be.

There was ample time for him to think about his decision, but he chose the hard way. Wonwoo, Seungcheol's best friend, already warned him about that bastard, but like the dumbass he is, he didn't listen.  
'You know what, you and that idiot are perfect for each other. You both don't know how to listen, and you both end up suffering the effect of your mistakes, given you both were already given the choice to choose the right path.' He remembers Wonwoo and his other friends nagging at him  
And then he forgets he was actually the eldest among his group of friends.

He ends up falling asleep, semi-naked, on the couch. It was a rough day, for starters. And just a good night's sleep was the only thing he needed, at least to recharge and think about his plans.  
After tens and probably hundreds of position shifting, he finally fell asleep.

Seungcheol woke up a bit late the next day. His body felt numb and as if little needles were poking his limbs at the same time.  
A tiny paper was in the corner of his eye, he picked it up,  
He snuffled once again when he threw the paper to the garbage can, it was the 16th time, and he still hasn't met the one for him, all his friends could see the world in color, except for him. He whines at the thought of him being single forever--he didn't want that to happen. Even if he had high hopes and dreams for his own future, he didn't want to spend it in solitude in his worn out apartment.  
He grabbed his phone and speed dialed his friend, it didn't take two rings before his friend picked up, greeting him up to the extent that he was half-screaming on the phone.  
"How was it, hyung?" Seungcheol could almost feel his friend hitting him and telling him how stupid he was, considering the note of sarcasm in the question. With Seungcheol not responding after a few moments, Seungkwan found himself getting his hyung's idea, well, sort of.  
"See? We already told you what might happen." Seungkwan's voice didn't shift a bit, he was nagging like a mother, but Seungcheol couldn't complain, since he knows that his friends have already warned him, and Seungcheol only had to interrupt his dongsaeng's blabbering before he got the wrong idea.  
"Seungkwan, calm down. I expected it." Seungcheol quietly sighs, Seungkwan, on the other line, kept quiet, mumbling apologies, "Don't be sorry," he huffs out of guilt, "it's not your fault,"  
For a moment the line was quiet, then Seungkwan smacked his lips, "Anyway, hyung, I'm going out with Hansol tonight and he's having his brother over, would you like to tag along?" Seungcheol thought for a moment, "d-don't worry, it's just a friendly date," Seungkwan adds, which Seungcheol couldn't distinguish if it was to make him feel better or worse, "I mean, if you can't come it's--"  
"Sure, I'll be there in a few minutes."  
Seungkwan was quiet for a moment but he want back to his original state when his hyung's answer finally worked its way to his brain, "Really, hyung?" he confirmed, Seungcheol was about to nod, but remembering that he was dumb and on the phone, he murmured a quiet agreement, "yes."  
"You're the best, hyung!" Seungkwan exclaimed before an untimely long beep, looks like Seungkwan ran out of calls. Seungcheol could just remember reloading Seungkwan's sim number a few days ago, but looks like he ran out of calls since he spent too much talking to Hansol over the phone.

Seungcheol put down his phone and finally came back to his senses, he was half naked and the only thing covering his bottom half was a towel. He looked around, still, the apartment was lifeless, colorless.  
He felt like crying once again, but no tears come out. Was he really that hopeless in love? How could someone, at the age of 23, not see "colors"? He knew some teenagers could already see but why not him?  
"Curse this life." he buried his face in his hands, and ruffled his own hair. He was ready to scream but something inside of him took his voice and replaced it with monstrous grumbles, and that's when he realized,  
He was hungry. He hasn't eaten ever since that douchebag left him.  
'I should just eat when I'm with Seungkwan,' He mumbles to himself and runs to the shower to take a quick rinse, 'wait, was it really a friendly date or..'  
Seungcheol knew how much Seungkwan liked Hansol, maybe Seungkwan was planning something? But Hansol's older brother which he's never met before was tagging along. So what was really happening?  
"Oww fuck," he cursed when due to his deep thinking he hit his little toe on the edge of the door frame, "ugh," he massaged the reddish toe, hoping that the stinging would fade out.  
Grabbing his towel and dried his hair, he left it damp and messy. He took a quick glance at himself in the mirror and cheered himself up, it seemed impossible for him, but it seemed to work out.  
"You'll find them one day," he smiles and nods as if he was going crazy, talking to himself on the mirror, "and you'll see the world with vivid colors."

Sliding his closet door open a little to harshly, he started looking for something decent to wear,  
He never understood the issue of people unable to choose what to wear, he never had this kind of dilemma as he just grabbed whatever he thought was appropriate for the occasion, easy peasy.  
He grabbed a T-shirt, ripped jeans, and his sneakers, he went for a simple style since the event didn't seem to be formal. Besides, it was only Seungkwan's friendly date.

Seungcheol hailed a cab and went to Seungkwan's apartment, he arrived earlier than neither of them expected, and hungrier than he even thought he'd be.  
Seungkwan caught a glance of Seungcheol on his window before hurriedly opening the front door, "hyung, you're early." he greeted as soon as he saw Seungcheol on his front porch, "come in, Hansol and his hyung won't be here for another 10-minutes or so," Seungkwan couldn't stop fidgeting his belt, it seemed to be stuck, "Would you like something to eat? Drink? Crackers and orange juice perhaps?"  
Seungcheol nodded, he sat comfortably on the neat couch, munching on some crackers that were in a bowl on the coffee table, these animal crackers were his favorites.  
"So, who's Hansol's brother?" The older asks, bits and particles of the crackers flying off from his mouth as he talked.  
Still fiddling with even the tiniest details of his hair and outfit, Seungkwan ended up ignoring his hyung's question. So he repeated.  
"Huh?" Seungkwan mumbled when he realized Seungcheol was asking him something, "come again?" he pleaded.  
Rolling his eyes, Seungcheol repeated his question for the third–and hopefully last–time, "Who is Hansol's brother?" He pronounced his words slowly, as if he was talking to a child.

In the middle of Seungcheol shamelessly throwing a bunch of animal-shaped crackers on his mouth and Seungkwan stressing over the littlest things like a mom preparing his daughter for the prom, the doorbell rang.  
"I'll get it!" Seungkwan volunteered to open the door for the men of the hour before Seungcheol even realized that it was them.  
Seungkwan opened the door to reveal Hansol wearing a thick jacket over a statement shirt that read 'Slip in to the Diamond Life' in English alphabet, and a guy, an older one,–that Seungcheol assumed was Hansol's brother.  
There was chaos, mostly caused by Seungkwan–no, wait–all caused by Seungkwan. You can't blame the kid, he thinks and acts as if it was his first date.  
"I can't believe you forgot to lock the back door–" Hansol whined, Seungkwan looking just as ashamed of himself.  
Hansol turned to Seungcheol and his brother, "Seungkwan and I'll catch up, you guys get there, safely, please?" he sternly ordered. Seungcheol, for a moment, forgot that he was older.  
When the younger ones were running back to Seungkwan's apartment, it was a quiet and awkward walk between Seungcheol and Hansol's brother.  
Seungcheol hesitated to, at first, but he'd rather spend the walk in small talk than let it die down in utmost awkwardness, "So, what's your name?"  
"Yoon Jeonghan." The other replied, voice cold yet careful, Seungcheol could almost feel his voice piercing his heart.  
"And you're Hansol's older brother,"  
Jeonghan thought for a moment before answering, "He's technically my step brother, but yeah, he's a good kid, I don't hate the living hell out of him like what they show on TV."  
So that's why they have differing surnames, Seungcheol thought.  
"You know I can hear you, right?" Jeonghan laughs softly, which was music to Seungcheol's ears, no kidding.  
"Does Hansol like Seungkwan?" Seungcheol out-of-contextly asked,  
"You bet he does." Jeonghan's voice started to soften, as if he was already comfortable with the older's company.

They ended up walking to a New York Pizza restaurant, and were still waiting for Seungkwan and Hansol.  
"Why are they taking so long?" Seungcheol impatiently drummed his fingers on the table.  
Jeonghan, who was also equally getting impatient, was checking on his phone whenever he can, "I'm dialing Hanso–"  
Speaking of the devils.  
Seungcheol's phone rang, it read "Hansol" on the caller ID, he raised his eyebrow at Jeonghan before swiping the screen to answer.  
"Hey, Cheol-hyung," Hansol mumbles as if he was about to say something unbelievable, embarrassing, and annoying.  
"You get to know Jeonghan-hyung, okay? We–" Hansol's voice was interrupted by a sudden change of wind, "We've got an emergency and need to attend to it, ASAP." Seungkwan took over the phone, and you could hear someone slapping another in the background.  
"They're what?!" Jeonghan overheard the call and took Seungcheol's phone from his hands, "Hansol! When I get my hands on you–"  
Beep. The call died, Seungcheol presuming that Hansol's phone might've run out of battery.  
"So, what are you going to do in the next hour or two?" Seungcheol defeatedly sighs and places his phone on the table, screen face down.  
"I don't know, it's the first–and last–time I'm going to trust Hansol with the house keys."  
"We're already here, would you like some pizza and, maybe, hang out at my place?" Seungcheol awkwardly asks, unsure of what Jeonghan's possible reaction might be.  
To his surprise, Jeonghan agreed, "Sure." He gave Seungcheol a tight, yet sincere, smile–which honestly made Seungcheol's heart flip.  
It felt like Jeonghan already knew what he wanted, it was as if Jeonghan already grew comfortable with him.

One ordered Hawaiian pizza and the other pepperoni pizza, and were debating if pineapple should be put on pizza at the moment.  
"But it gives it that added flavor," Seungcheol argues, he rests his elbows on the table and covers his face with his hands, "that tingling sensation." He adds.  
Jeonghan crossed his arms, "Pineapples aren't for pizzas–" he seemed undefeated, "and pizzas aren't for pineapples."  
Seungcheol lets go of his face and scratches behind his ear, probably out of slight annoyance because Jeonghan was persistent–or in other words,–winning.  
But Seungcheol couldn't stay annoyed at the younger, in fact, he was in awe of how Jeonghan stood to defend his side.

He thought about how Jeonghan treated him, like the guy has his whole body memorized, every word, every movement.

Only Seungcheol seemed to rise his tone when defending himself, the younger found it funny and burst out laughing.  
"Why are you laughing like that?" Seungcheol pouts–involuntarily,–and looks at Jeonghan confusedly.  
Jeonghan laughed for a few more seconds, and started catching his breath, "You- tomato!"  
The debate ended quits, both professionally talking that people have their own opinions and preferences.

Seungcheol rolled his eyes and drank a sip of iced tea. Thank god Jeonghan finally stopped laughing.  
Then Jeonghan excused himself to go to the bathroom, an emergency, he notes. Seungcheol was deeply thinking the whole time, he rested his back on the comfy pillow behind him and closed his eyes.  
Images of Jeonghan laughing and his eyes forming crescents appeared in Seungcheol's vision. Seungcheol wished they had colors, maybe then Jeonghan would really look magical in his eyes.

Jeonghan came back with company, he tapped his fingers on Seungcheol's chest, making sure the older was still alive or Seungkwan would kill him.  
Seungcheol slowly opened his eyes, but his vision was still blurry, that's weird. He whispered.  
"What's weird?" Jeonghan tilted his head and put his palm on Seungcheol's warm cheeks and cupped them.  
Seungcheol smiled dopily, "nothing." He answered. He sat properly and his vision went back to normal, he just pushed the recent blurriness of his vision at the back of his head, along with his last date, the 16th.

Well, speaking of the devil.  
"You?!" Seungcheol and the 16th exchanged glances full of confusion, irritation, and anger.  
Jeonghan looked surprised, "You guys know each other?"  
"I have never seen him before in my life." The 16th scoffed, Seungcheol mirrored his reaction.

"I fucking hate you, Choi Seungcheol."  
"Likewise, Hong Joshua."

☆☆☆

"Umm.." Seungkwan suddenly stops walking along the rest of them, pursing his lips, "I think I forgot to lock the back door," he whispers to himself, searching for something in his pockets.  
Hansol stopped walking, Seungcheol and Jeonghan continued walking but they realized no one else was following them.  
"I can't believe you forgot to lock the back door–" Hansol whined and stomped his feet like having tantrums. Seungkwan looked just as mortified.  
The both of them turned to the older ones, Hansol bit his bottom lip, "Seungkwan and I'll catch up, you guys get there, safely, please?"  
Seungcheol and Jeonghan agreed to meet them by the New York pizza restaurant, and Hansol and Seungkwan running back to Seungkwan's apartment, not to lock the back door, but they have something else in mind.

"Are-- you-- sure about-- this?" Hansol asked, panting, he leaned his back against the alley wall and pulled out a handkerchief to wipe Seungkwan's sweat.  
"Not-- really." Seungkwan replied in an equally tired manner. They took a few seconds to catch their breaths before they could continue their plan.

The couple instead went over to Hansol and Jeonghan's complex, Hansol bragging about him holding the only key to their apartment for the first time.  
"Knowing Jeonghan-hyung, if you did this, this will also be the last time, right?" Seungkwan turned the air-conditioning unit on and threw himself on the bed,  
"Pretty much, yeah," Hansol carefully sat beside Seungkwan, avoiding the ear-piercing squeak of the old bed.  
"Besides, I'll be out of this box room before you know it."

Silence filled the room, it wasn't of awkward silence, it was more of relaxing. Peaceful.  
"Should I call Seungcheol-hyung?" Hansol asks in the middle of their cuddling session, Seungkwan nods, "but why don't you call Jeonghan hyung, instead?"  
"His phone is on silent." 

"Hey, Cheol-hyung," Hansol started, his voice showed shame and embarrassment, he could hear his Jeonghan-hyung's nagging in the background, "You get to know Jeonghan-hyung, okay?" Hansol mumbles and signals Seungkwan, mouthing, 'No excuse.'  
Good thing in spite of Seungkwan being a blabbermouth, he understood mouthing words, he took the phone from Hansol, "We've got an emergency and need to attend to it, ASAP."  
"They're what?!" Hansol bit his lip again hearing Jeonghan's reaction, there was a loud muffling before they heard any more sensible words, "Hansol! when I get my hands on you–"  
Neither of them wanted to let Jeonghan finish his sentence, so Hansol quickly ended the call.

The both of them sighed out of relief and anxiety, as if it was still possible. Seungkwan started giggling, Hansol, too. But their giggles were some of consolation, or nervousness, or a mix of both.

"Hansol," Seungkwan pressed his nose on Hansol's, "How is Jeonghan-hyung as your brother?"  
Hansol looked like he didn't know what to say, because he really didn't. He's only met his brother for a few months since Hansol moved back to Korea.  
"As of now, he's really nice. I don't think I have a standard since I haven't really had a sibling, not until a few months ago."  
"Is he those typical mean stepsiblings we see on TV?" Seungkwan admits it was a stupid question, but Hansol seemed entertained.  
"No, really. He's mean in a way that he teases me sometimes, but he's a really good guy, a role model, even." Hansol answers, after he did, he kissed Seungkwan lightly on his lips.  
"You think they'll click?" Hansol asks after they let go of the kiss, Seungkwan sighed, "hopefully." was the only answer he could think of.  
"Want to follow them?"  
"They'd kill us, Seungkwan."  
"Not unless we have a disguise."  
"I'd like that."

And so, the unlikely young couple ended up disguising as some kind of newlywed-foreign-tourist couple. Seungkwan wearing a fedora and a flowy scarf, and Hansol tackily working with his sunglasses.  
They took a last look at each other and themselves on the full length mirror, "We look like foreign tourists." Seungkwan comments, "I agree."

They thought about where they might see Jeonghan and Seungcheol  
"Where did we leave them off?" Seungkwan looks at every corner his eyes could meet,  
Hansol points at the New York pizza restaurant just across a few blocks, "You think they'll be there?" Seungkwan makes sure. Hansol nods contentedly, "Since Jeonghan-hyung is superior-like, Cheol-hyung could follow him around without even knowing. And," Hansol nods at the direction of the restaurant, "He loves pizza, the only thing he doesn't like about them are pineapples."  
"Huh," Seungkwan scoffed, "Seungcheol-hyung loves pineapples on pizza."  
"I bet they're fighting about it." Seungkwan shakes his head at the thought, but at the same time, agrees.

"Oh shit." Hansol curses, covering his mouth quickly after, "I'm sorry, it's just– look." Hansol manipulates Seungkwan's head to the direction he was referring to.  
Hansol inaudibly cursed under his breath, "Why is that asshole here?"  
Seungkwan thought of scolding Hansol's words, but to see a douchebag that ruined their friend's life casually walking down the street is something that triggers their anger, and seems that he was walking to the direction of the pizza place.

"Don't you think he's following Seungcheol-hyung?" Seungkwan asked Hansol, but Hansol seemed as if he didn't hear anything, he followed the d-bag, with Seungkwan hurrying behind him.  
They hid behind the menu display, they looked like spy idiots but they didn't care.   
"That fucker knows Jeonghan-hyung?" Hansol cursed, Seungkwan massaged his friend's hand, hoping to ease his anger.  
"I heard he works at the office Jeonghan-hyung works at, they're technically officemates."

Hansol couldn't take it anymore, and despite Seungkwan's warnings, he barged in the restaurant.  
"I fucking hate you Choi Seungcheol."  
"Likewise, Hong Joshua."

Seungkwan sighed, he knew where all of this is going to. Another stack of lies he's going to cover up. He only had to follow Hansol in the restaurant.

Seungcheol threw a punch but Joshua avoided it, grabbing Seungcheol's wrist mid-air, "You'd never change, do you?"  
Joshua smirked, his flower boy image fading away, his smile screamed trouble and eyes reflected darkness, "So do you."

There was a short yet horrible fistfight, both had an equal number of bruises, but none seemed to give up until they were held back by Seungkwan, Hansol, and the restaurant crew.  
"Grown men." The manager mumbled and scoffed before leaving the now-calm fighters alone.

Jeonghan kept quiet the whole time. Not knowing what to do, nor how to react. He knew something was wrong. And it was all his fault.

Seungcheol, on the other hand, wiped blood from the edge of his lips. There was it again, the blur. But he got a last glance on his hand.

Redness.

And just like that, his vision blurs down until all he could see was darkness.

"Seungcheol-ah!"

☆☆☆

Second year of college

"Seungcheol-ah!" He called for him, he has already set up everything, from dinner to dessert, all on a table in the veranda of his apartment.  
Seungcheol was cramming through the sliding door, "coming!" he hollered.  
Once Seungcheol got a sight of what he's prepared for him, he couldn't help but feel giddy.

"This isn't something I'd expect from you," Seungcheol chuckled, covering his face with his hand, he was obviously blushing. He was pretty thankful it was a dimly lit date (he denies to call it one) since he really couldn't see (and possibly make fun of) Seungcheol blushing.  
"Come on, Cheol-ah. I'm serious this time." The other whined, but he was half-laughing, imagining that the older was blushing, which he really was.  
"I do not tolerate this kind of–" Seungcheol stopped a moment to think about what really is happening, was it a date? "Whatever we're doing."

"Just, come here." The younger signaled his fingers for the older to come near him, Seungcheol quite hesitated, but he was giving him the puppy eyes.  
Seungcheol's greatest weakness. Especially when it comes from him.  
"Fine." Seungcheol gave up and sighed, he sat in front of the other and squinted his eyes at the sky.

'Aren't they beautiful?' Seungcheol may or may not have heard the other's comment. He was deeply staring at every single twinkling star his eyes would lay their gazes on. 'Yeah.' He didn't know if his answer was audible or not.  
Seungcheol swore, that from the corner of his eyes, he could see Joshua tearing up. It wasn’t a normal sight, even him and Doyoon would admit they only witnessed Joshua at this state for only a few times in their lives.

"I really love the colors surrounding us right now." The younger thought out loud. Seungcheol couldn't help but agree.

The scenery was calming, they were viewing from the fifth floor of the apartment, they could see city lights down below, neon lights from the bars, varying shades of yellow coming from the car's headlights, and fireworks not so far away.  
But Seungcheol knew he meant something else for the use of the word, colors.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Seungcheol."

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Joshua.”


	3. Because I Love You

"Seungcheol, Seungcheol,"

Someone was tapping Seungcheol's shoulder, he slowly opened his eyes, "Seungcheol-ah!" A familiar curled smile welcomed his eyes as soon as he opened them. His vision was still somewhat blurry. He fixed his spectacles, and then his vision started clearing. He was surrounded by trees, benches, and buildings. He sat properly and fixed his posture and noticed that he was wearing his high school uniform.

"We have free time for the morning, let's go to the library!" Before Seungcheol could even react, Joshua and Doyoon grabbed each of Seungcheol's wrists.  
After running a marathon from taking the stairs from the ground to third floor, all of them were in front of the Library door, panting and catching their breaths.

"Of all.. places.." Seungcheol managed to say a few words while still crouching and grasping his knees, "why.. the.. library?"  
Joshua and Doyoon stared at each other, giving a silent message Seungcheol was unaware of, "just because!"

Seungcheol knew Joshua and Doyoon mocked him for always inviting the two to go to the library. He would always go there for "inspiration", or probably just to share a cup of hot cocoa with assistant librarian Jeon Wonwoo and Kim Mingyu.

"We just want to explore what's going on inside there," Doyoon poked the middle of Seungcheol's forehead, which quite hurt, or Seungcheol was just a wimp. "Don't do that, I'm older than the both of you."

"Why is age such a rubric to superiority? I mean, you're only a few weeks older than Doyoon, and two months from me. What makes you feel like you're superior?" Joshua half teased, but deep inside he meant it.  
"Because I can do this," Seungcheol wrapped his arms around the two, and he could hear them choking, but he pretends he doesn't care.

"Mr. Choi, stop with the roughhousing!" A deep and raspy voice scolded him. He was ready to apologize when he realized there it came from. "Shut up, Kim Mingyu." He scoffed and let go of Doyoon and Joshua. The two coughing and on their knees.

"Oh.. my.. god.." Joshua panted  
"Fuck you." Doyoon continued Joshua's sentence.  
"Language, Jang!"

Wonwoo followed outside the library, probably only there to follow his boyfriend. "Sorry, sir Jeon." Joshua and Doyoon apologized in unison. "Shut up." Wonwoo laughed and ruffled the two reckless kids' hair.

"What are you here for, hyung?" Mingyu consulted Seungcheol, leading him inside the library, leaving the three to their own worlds outside. "Oh, Doyoon and Joshua led me here," Seungcheol said as he scanned his ID on the screen, "now that I'm here, well I'm probably just gonna scan through the circulatory section." He said as he headed to the aforementioned area.

He grabbed an old book from the shelves, and carefully opened it. It was pretty much old and dusty, he flipped it to see who was the first and last one to borrow it.

It seemed like the first one who borrowed it was from 1987, and the last one was in 2007. It left a shock to Seungcheol to realize that this book was borrowed before he was even born.  
Awesome.  
Furthermore, the book was all-in-all about dreams and their meanings.

"Seungcheol-hyung," Wonwoo tapped on Seungcheol's shoulder, which made the older flinch. "You left this here the other day," Wonwoo gave him a notebook. A black hardbound journal with white borders and some pages bookmarked and the others nearly falling from the spine. It was familiar.

Seungcheol's Memory Lane

"Seungcheol, Seungcheol,"

"He's awake." Seungcheol could feel a light rocking on his legs, he opened his eyes, his vision was still a blur. Nothing was processing in Seungcheol's mind.

He could only recognize Joshua, Seungkwan, and Hansol. And there's that other guy sitting next to the door, in a deep slumber.

A familiar coat entered the room, "Dr. Jang, he's awake." He could see Seungkwan speaking to the man who just entered. "That's good." Dr. Jang replied to Seungkwan, his eyes eventually falling on Seungcheol on a hospital bed, "How are you feeling, Seungcheol-ssi?"

Seungcheol ignored Doyoon's question, instead his eyes were full of anger and curiosity when he saw Joshua. "Why is he here?" Seungcheol snickered at the latter.  
Both Hansol and Seungkwan bit their lip, and he could also notice Doyoon's expression shifting to worry. "Tell me," Seungcheol's eyes enlarged, "why is that bastard here?"

"I helped you," Joshua rolled his eyes, "Can't you be thankful, like, for once?" Joshua barged out, leaving the room with a tense atmosphere. "I-I'll go talk to him," The formerly sleeping guy by the door excused himself, pulling Seungkwan's wrist out.

Only Doyoon, Seungcheol and Hansol were left inside the room. Hansol sat down, sighing and rubbing his face with his palms. Doyoon turned to Seungcheol, "Do you still want to remember?"

Seungcheol always wanted to try to remember what happened before his amnesia went and ate him up again, but seeing to it as a burden for himself and his friends, he wanted to stop doing so.

"I don't think so," Seungcheol mumbled an answer. Though he was looking down, he could feel the others in the room staring at him with concern.

"You know, writing down a diary may be of good help," Doyoon knew it was probably the third or fourth time he reminded Seungcheol to do so, but Seungcheol always declined the idea.

“You know what? I give up."

Those six words managed to freeze Hansol and Doyoon, after a few moments, Doyoon removed the pen that was clinging behind his ear and clicked it, he referred to his notes, "Are you sure about that, Mr. Choi?" Doyoon asked without sparing a glance at Seungcheol, but Seungcheol was intently staring at him, making the other somewhat nervous.

Doyoon never calls Seungcheol 'Mr. Choi' unless he was really serious. Seungcheol didn't blink nor gulp nor show a sign of second thoughts, "I'm sure."

Just as if on cue, Joshua and Seungkwan entered the room, Seungkwan looking as worried as ever and Joshua looking somewhat unbothered. "Jeonghan's out to get us lunch," The American boy said coldly.

"Who's Jeonghan?" Seungcheol asked, with no particular person directing the question to, but Joshua took the liberty to answer, "a bastard." he matter-of-factly answered. Seungcheol could see from the corner of his eyes Seungkwan holding and tightening his grip on Joshua's hand. He raised an eyebrow, confused why Seungkwan would do such.

Seungcheol rolled his eyes, "Come on, I wasn't referring to you."

Before the tension in the atmosphere would worsen, the man of the hour entered carrying takeouts on one hand and a bottle of 1.5 liter Coke on the other.

Jeonghan put down his bags on the chair beside the door, "How are you feeling, Seungcheol-ah?" he asked. Seungcheol pursed his lips instead of replying, Doyoon leaned to Jeonghan's ear and whispered, "He doesn't remember anything from yesterday." he whispers.

The bob-haired boy then frowns.

Seungcheol wrinkled his forehead and squinted his eyes, looking at Jeonghan. "What happened yesterday?" Seungcheol asked, still staring at Jeonghan, who seemed uncomfortable with the older staring at him like he was judging him.

He didn't know if his eyes were tricking him, or really saw Joshua glare and roll his eyes at Jeonghan. And after he did, he looked at Seungcheol, his eyes full of tears. But after he blinked, his expression turned cold once again.  
'What was that about?' Seungcheol wondered.

♡♡♡

High School, Sophomore year

"What are you writing, Seungcheol?" Joshua took a seat beside Seungcheol, glancing at his typewriter, "Oh, this is just something for Jihoon," Seungcheol flashes a quick, childish smile at Joshua. 

The younger frowned, he didn't really know why he did. "Something for Jihoon?" He repeated the latter part of Seungcheol's answer with a question.

Seungcheol stretched his arms and pushed his chair away from his desk, "His birthday is in a few days, and I thought it'd be nice to write him something," his eyes gleamed with excitement, a sparkle that managed to pinch a corner of Joshua's heart.

"Do you…" Joshua's voice trailed off, unable to compute a proper question without making the atmosphere awkward, Seungcheol turned back to his typewriter and nodded at Joshua, signaling him to continue his question.

"Perhaps--" his voice cracked slightly, but he doubt Seungcheol would notice, "Like.. Jihoon?" Joshua looked down, he couldn't bear to see Seungcheol, especially if he would answer something that would probably make Joshua upset.

"I'd be lying if I say 'no'," Seungcheol didn't even take a few seconds to answer, he was still focusing on the typewriter, pausing to adjust his spectacles, "Why did you ask?"

"Nothing," Joshua mumbled, unsure if he actually said it out loud; unsure if he was telling the truth.

"So, what's it all about?" Though every word burdened Joshua, he had to ask, he felt the need to conceal.

"Hmm?" Seungcheol hummed while he was replacing the paper. He put the last one over a stack of neatly placed papers, Joshua guessed it probably counted around 10 pages.

'Maybe he wrote all of those for Jihoon,' Joshua wondered.

"Oh, these?" Seungcheol grabbed the stack of papers and flattened them out, even if they were already neatly arranged, "Some are for Jihoon, and the others are, well…" Seungcheol sighed before he clipped the papers together and inserted them in a blue folder, "...important stuff."

Joshua nodded, and Seungcheol continued typing away. His fingers clicked with the keys in a unique way, he had a beat. The clicks had equal intervals, and when he realized, Joshua pulled out the acoustic guitar laying on Seungcheol's bed.

"You play the guitar?" Joshua asked as he strummed the strings, "No…" Seungcheol muttered, Joshua tapped the pickguard along to the beat of Seungcheol typing.

Despite him still typing, Seungcheol sang along with Joshua. How could he not? It was their song.

They finished off the song with Joshua still strumming the guitar, and Seungcheol finally finishing his works.

"I miss the band," Joshua tapped on the pickguard again, and played a different song, but the tune was familiar to both pairs of ears, to both of the hearts that were present in the room.

"I haven't heard from Junhui much anymore, Soonyoung seems focused on dancing," Joshua looked down on the guitar.

"Star team was the best team, honestly." Seungcheol laughed, and it was undoubtedly the best music Joshua had ever heard.

"Too bad we only got to sing one song in one gig," Joshua couldn't help but chuckle, reminiscing the memory of them as first years.

"Too bad I only got to rap there, I mean," Seungcheol ruffled his hair in slight regret, but after he did, he smiled like an idiot staring at the wall with his eyes sparkling, "But– I've heard enough of your voice. That's more than enough for me.

Joshua attempted to hit Seungcheol with the guitar, but he was flushed, "That kind of pick-up line is illegal, Choi Seungcheol," he says in a stern voice.

"I'm not scared of you, Hong!" He giggles before he tackles Joshua on the bed. You could only hear panting and laughing, and from the outside, you could suspect them doing something else.

'But I'm scared of you,' Joshua thought, 'I'm scared of falling for you.'

Seungcheol rolled down the floor, panting and still laughing, slightly regretting his decision remembering that he was far more ticklish than Joshua.

He stood up and fixed himself, removing stray dust from his clothes.  
"Let's go get some coffee?" Seungcheol offered his hand at Joshua who was still lying on the floor, eyes glued to the guitar.

Joshua stared at Seungcheol's hand for a moment, but then realized the other was offering it to him, he held it tightly and Seungcheol pulled him up. "I look like a mess, why would I go out like this?" Joshua whined

"Shut up, you always look good." Seungcheol said without a moment to breathe, and leaving Joshua breathless. 'Just how can I not fall if you're like that?' Joshua huffed.

"What was that?" Seungcheol didn't quite hear Joshua clearly, which Joshua is thankful for since he didn't really intended to say that out loud. He just shrugged.

Joshua didn't quite remember what had happened after that. The only thing he recalled quite clearly was that he and Seungcheol were holding hands the whole time.

♡♡♡

"You know, the longer that you will endure the lies, the more Seungcheol will get confused." Doyoon exchanged glances at Jeonghan and Joshua, "He's not the only one that will get tangled up in these stories, you know."

"Fuck," Joshua cursed and walked down the hallway, he wanted to punch a wall, but not in this place. Not in Doyoon's clinic, it might cause a scene.

"I didn't advise for this," Doyoon held Joshua's shoulder from behind him, "But it's for you to think about, will you tell him the truth, or let him live in confusing lies?"

Joshua sat down on a chair and placed his elbows on his knees, burying his face on his hands, he cried, he wept, he sobbed, he felt anger and regret filling his body.

"I wished I never did this." Joshua cried, Doyoon stared as his best friend with sympathy and concern, "You're given a chance, to let him know what he should be aware of, to let him know the truth."

Joshua didn't want to be childish. He didn't want to blame anyone. He only had to blame himself for falling for that asshole's lies. Now he has to live in a life that came back for him, a life of receiving hatred from the person whom he once exchanged sincere 'i love you's with.

He didn't know if he deserved it.

 

"Is he still mad at me?" Joshua asked, lowkey wishing Seungcheol forgot about how much he hated him. But it was far from happening.

"Sadly, yes." Doyoon quietly answered, "I mean, for someone who has retrograde amnesia, it's ironically pleasant to hear he still remembers little bits, but the one he remembers are all negative." He adds, "and are all lies."

"If I were you, while it's still as early, remind him of the truth. Or it'll get worse."

"Can it get any worse than this?" Joshua asked before standing up, he stumbled a bit but Doyoon was holding his arm, so he won't fall.

"Brutally honest, yes. There's a possibility. You can't cover a lie with the truth. So you'll end up covering up with lies, and more lies. If you really want what's best for him, tell him the truth."

Doyoon was right, Joshua could admit. He knew that from the beginning of all of these, it was going to end up wrong. He wished he never felt the need for selfishness, considering that the one he was "playing with" was a human, with feelings, whom he loved with all his heart.

He turned, if he was going to make everything right, he needed to go to the person who started it all first.

"What the fuck?" Jeonghan exclaimed, wiping the bite out of the corner of his lip. "This is all your fault." Joshua sternly said, he rolled his hand again to a fist, before it once again landed on Jeonghan's face.

"How is this my fault? You can't just get to me and suddenly punch me," Jeonghan scoffed and attempted to punch Joshua, but before he laid his hand on Joshua, Doyoon already got in between them, "roughhousing won't get you two anywhere." he straightened his arms and pushed the two with his armspan

"I can and just did." Joshua answered matter-of-factly, which obviously annoyed the living hell out of Jeonghan, but he calmed himself down and took a deep breath,

"Look, I didn't think it would get this far, okay?" He confessed, which made Joshua's face grow a bright red.

There can only be two reasons of a human to glow this bright shade of red, either they were mortified, or they're at the pit of exploding from anger. And sure enough, Joshua wouldn't be embarrassed of what just happened.

"That's because you're a self-absorbed piece of shit."

"What the fuck, Jisoo?" Jeonghan rubbed the corner of his lip that was bleeding and looked at Jisoo with confusion.

"Oh please," Jisoo rolled his eyes in annoyance, "Don't act too innocent, Yoon." Before he could land another punch on Jeonghan's face, Doyoon already grabbed his arm.

"Violence doesn't resort to anything, Josh." Doyoon leaned and whispered to Joshua's ear, but it was loud enough for Jeonghan to hear.

Joshua removed Doyoon's hand from his shoulder, still not breaking his eye contact with Jeonghan, "I know, I just felt the need to do that."

Joshua was pretty much thankful that Doyoon's clinic wasn't that crowded, only a few have witnessed what had just happened.

"What happened?" Seungkwan immediately asked as soon as he was out of the room, "Why are you bleeding, hyung?" He asked as he continued on scanning Jeonghan's face.

Jeonghan mirrored Joshua's  
expression, "It's nothing." He muttered.  
Seungkwan seemed like he wasn't taking Jeonghan's answer, but seeing to it as it won't budge to ask more question, he referred to Doyoon, "Hyung, Seungcheol-hyung wants to ask something, I think."

Doyoon politely excused himself and shot Joshua a concerned look before entering Seungcheol's room.

"Doyoon-ah," Seungcheol whined, "Where's that bob-haired guy?" he asked, Doyoon thought he was referring to Jeonghan, "He's not here." He lied.

"Well, can I ask you something?" Seungcheol's eyes showed sadness, and what Doyoon had always feared of coming from Seungcheol, weakness. Doyoon nodded, "Are dreams a way to remember the past with amnesia?"

Seungcheol's question took a few seconds before processing in Doyoon's mind, "It isn't, really. Though sometimes it may seem convincing, it isn't really a way to remember the past." he answers seriously, Seungcheol automatically frowned, "Why did you ask?" Doyoon followed up.

"It's just," Seungcheol rubbed his face with his hands and took a deep breath, "I dreamt of being best friends with you and Jisoo back in high school."

Doyoon's eyes widened, "I.." he couldn’t think of something to say, his mind was screaming something he wanted to tell Seungcheol, but it seemed like he couldn’t think of words to use to tell him.

It was true.

"Tell me more about it," Doyoon confirmed, Seungcheol seemed like he wanted to hesitate, but he did continue, "It's kind of weird, because we went to this library, and Mingyu and Wonwoo were the librarians and all.." Seungcheol forgot what else had happened, "well, that's all I can remember."

"Also," Seungcheol raised and wiggled his finger, as if trying to remember something, "One time, I dreamt that I used to write in this memory book." Seungcheol held out his hands and drew a rectangle with his fingers, Doyoon once again froze, remembering that he once advised Seungcheol to write a memory book since he really had a bad memory when they were in high school, "Someone, probably a friend of mine, I can't remember," He massaged his temples, "He told me to write a diary, because I had a terrible memory when we were still in middle school."

'His dreams were close enough to what really happened in the past, though it had some inconsistency– it was still close enough to what really happened,' Doyoon thought.

Seungcheol always had dreams that had some connection to what really happened in the past. He would just disregard it. Besides, it didn't actually resemble what happened in the past. It wouldn't be the same.

“But then again,” Seungcheol covered his face with his hands and sighed, "What's the point of trying to remember, anyway?" he threw the stress ball from the side table, it bounced on Doyoon's feet, "I mean, that wouldn't affect my future, right?"

Doyoon had nothing to say, so he just kept quiet, leaving Seungcheol to talk. "What's in it for my future, anyway? I wouldn't be able to do anything, considering the fact that I barely remember anything from high school and college." His voice started to break and crack, it stabbed Doyoon's heart to see Seungcheol in this state of his weakness.

He couldn't blame his patient, his best friend. But Doyoon couldn't just let Seungcheol remain this way. He had to say something.

"You're not worthless." He muttered, Seungcheol’s nose scrunched as he looked at Doyoon with disbelief, "How eve--"

Doyoon cut him, "I'm here for you, and only for you. I chose this path of my life to help you, Seungcheol." warm streaks of tears started flowing from Doyoon's eyes, but he didn't bother to wipe them. Instead, he stood firmly and looked straight in Seungcheol's eyes, the other avoiding his gaze.

"...because I love you."


End file.
